Yesterday was a day of MANY different emotions. I experienced tears, sadness, frustration, discouragement, and guilt...but, yet at the same time and over the same circumstances still was feeling thankful too! Sound complicated? Well, that is just me and my emotions sometimes!!!
Nothing major is going on. Nothing terrible is happening. In fact, we are enjoying a week off from school by taking a little earlier, much needed "spring break" before we start some new stuff in March. So, that has been really NICE to have a little more "free time" to relax, get some stuff done, and just have some more flexibility in our schedules this week! It has been great so far...and it is going by way too fast.
However, yesterday was still a day of so many mixed emotions. As many of you know, my middle daughter, Kylie, has Epilepsy. Basically this just means that she has had reoccurring seizures. (I wrote a while back about our "journey" with all of this if you want to check that out!). No, she didn't have another seizure or anything like that. However, there are times when my heart just feels sad about all that she has gone through and all of the unknowns that are in her future because of all of this.
Currently, she is on two seizure medications that she takes twice daily. One is for partial seizure-control; the other is for grand-mal seizures. In combination, they have really "done the job" as she has been seizure-free for over 16 months (praise the Lord for that!). We are so thankful for that and I am so grateful in many ways for how well she is doing.
However, the past few weeks, she has just been a bit "off." It is hard to fully put into words. But, she has just been a bit more irritable, a bit more tired, a bit more "out-bursty" and way more impulsive...just not herself in many ways. And, then, I find myself getting more and more frustrated and impatient with her as her mom because she has been a "hard" kid these past few weeks. And, that can bring feelings of guilt and discouragement in myself as a mom as I wonder how much she really has "control" over... It is just hard to know what is going on. I do know for certain that the meds HAVE been hard on her body. They HAVE affected her in many ways (and we really got to see those side effects hard when she first started them)...
And, then it is hard not to wonder. Wonder what she would be like without these two medications that are controlling and manipulating the brain waves in her brain. Wonder how they are affecting her and her inabilities to concentrate and focus at times. Wonder if they are still making her tired and lethargic and sometimes irritable and moody (not real characteristics of my Kylie). Wonder how much longer she will have to be on them (forever?). Wonder how her seizures will affect her future (driving, having kids, etc.). Sometimes those "wonderings" can bring much sadness to my heart.
I know that it doesn't do any good to "wonder." She HAS Epilepsy. She HAS to be on these meds. They HAVE affected her...and we can't go back and change that! And, the future stuff, well, that is totally out of my control and I know that worry won't do me any good either! But, that was where I was "at" for a bit yesterday afternoon. The unknowns and the emotions were so overwhelming to my heart.
As moms, we just want what is BEST for our kids. It is hard to see them struggle...especially at such a young age of FIVE.
Yet, I know that God allows struggles and heartaches into our lives to draw us closer to Him and realize our dependence on Him. And, I know that if he desires that for me, He is going to desire that for my kids as well. So, as hard as it is (and is going to be) to see my kids struggle through life, I know that the Lord wants me to "let them go" and place them in His Almighty hands knowing that He is going to use ALL that He allows in their lives for His purpose and glory. The good and the bad. The trials and the struggles. The fears and the unknowns.
We head back to Minneapolis to see our doctor there on May 5th. I have a feeling that we will be making a medication change at this time. We talked about it at our last appointment with the doctor...he encouraged maybe switching to a med that would be more of a "stimulant" (since Kylie has been struggling with being tired a lot). But, I wasn't "ready" at that time. She was finally doing well...the seizures were finally "under control"...and it felt good to finally find meds that worked! But, I definitely NOW think that this is for the best even though with medication changes comes an increased risk for a break-through seizure and more dealings with new side effects. We have been down that "road" before...and it is stressful and hard.
But, we will see...and I guess that we won't know anything else until May 5th.
Anyway...today is a new day. And, the Lord has given me His peace as we wait...He is so faithful (even when I am so faith-less). I really am trying to live life "simply one day at a time" - how I can so struggle to do that sometimes!
Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
James 1:2-4, " Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Psalm 89:8, "O LORD God Almighty, who is like you?
You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you."
